12 Reasons Why Losing the Electoral College is Good for Trump

Donals-Trump-SpeechDear Donald Trump,
You got yourself elected President, fair and square. I'm not a fan of yours, but I have to give you the props you deserve; you surprised the hell out of me. I know it bothers you that you lost the popular vote, but there are reasons as old as our democracy why the popular vote isn't used to elect the president. No one who matters questions the legitimacy of your win. In the end, you did what you set out to do: win the election for the Presidency of the United States of America. 
On December 19th, the Electoral College convenes to weigh in, and there are whispers of faithless Republican electors, organizing under the name The Hamilton Electors, who hope to cooperate with Hillary's electors to deny you the presidency. I'm sure this angers you greatly, but before you tap up a tweet storm about it, hear me out. I think being denied the presidency by the Electoral College might actually be in your self-interest:
1. You don't really want to be the President
I know you wanted to win the election because that's your brand, but let's acknowledge that you have little interest in governing. You are the dog who finally caught the city bus you've been chasing. It's now overturned and clenched firmly in your jaws, but did you think about your plan once you caught it? (Oh, and it's full of screaming people). It would be an embarrassment to hand off the duties to subordinates while you indulge in all the trappings of the office, so it's time to get to the very hard and complicated chore of presiding over the vast United States of America. Being denied the presidency by the electors would be a huge disappointment to you, but can we admit it'd be a huge relief too?
Alex Baldwin als Donald Trump2. The parodies will end
If you are denied the presidency, it will be bad form for comedians to continue to prod you. Satirists imagine themselves doing a service to the country by "punching up" to deflate the pompous and powerful. If you don't serve, Alec Baldwin's sour impression of you would no longer be relevant. Losing the Electoral College vote would take the wind out the sails of SNL.
3. There will be an outpouring of support for you.
Sure all the bleeding heart liberals will dance in the streets, much like the Muslims you claim you saw on 9/11, but who cares about them? A greater number of people on the right and the left will come to your defense and decry a broken system which confirms what you've been saying all along. Your denial will vindicate you and re-establish you as a credible media personality for the rest of your life. People will care what you say; you will be welcome in so many corners of America where people who saw their hopes and dreams in your ascendancy will open their hearts and homes (and wallets) to you. You may even be able to rekindle the market for Trump TV.
"I got my ass handed to me at Waterloo, but I still get called brilliant. It'll be fine, Donny."

4. You've already secured your legacy
You will always be the Washington outsider who turned the election on its head and forever changed the way politics gets done in America. Presidential campaigns will never be run the same way again. Books will be written about how you left us standing with our jaws agape on the night of November 8, 2016. Political scientists, pollsters, and the media will pour over your tactics and strategy for years to come in the way that military strategists study Napoleon. You've done the one thing that eluded most presidents before you: you secured your legacy by the sheer force of your determination and character before you ever took office. You proved that an outsider, with no political experience, can take on Washington, run his campaign his own way and win, bigly. A majority of people in thirty states voted for you, and the votes of 38 faithless electors won't undo your accomplishment.
ogftai-obama4. Being president will tarnish that legacy
We all saw the look on your face when you met with Obama. Being president is an enormous undertaking. If you thought it was going to be a parade of state dinners and people kissing your ass every day, at this point you know, that's not going to happen. You've got four years of long daily security briefings ahead of you, four years of the weight of a nation resting on your shoulders. Before you're ready for it, you'll have to conform to all sorts of established protocol and be schooled on year's worth of statesmanship. Already, a simple phone call to the president of Taiwan has almost set off a diplomatic crisis with China. You are at the helm of the biggest economy in the world, with the biggest military power, at a critical juncture in history where we face the very real danger of an environmental catastrophe which may spell the end of human civilization as we know it on Earth. If you fuck this up, THAT will be your legacy. You don't want a golden "TRUMP" on the marquee of global disaster. If you are a failure as president, or even sub-par, no one will care how you got yourself elected.
Bush-Airplane-Window5. You won't be to blame for the nation's problems
Every crisis bungled, every hostage killed, every terrorist attack, every economic slump, every natural disaster, every school shooting, every job lost or outsourced will be laid at your feet. You made great hay out of blaming Obama, Hillary, and the media for their faults. There was plenty to blame to be had by those entities; they fucked up a great many things. But you weren't seeking to merely unseat them but to replace them as the authority on these matters. Your explicit promise was that you had all the right (but secret) answers. Once you take the reigns of this government, continuing to blame others will be pure weakness. Your plans had better be an improvement on what we had before. You'd never have to deliver if you were denied the office by faithless electors.
6. Your campaign promises wouldn't get that far
Let's be honest; we all know that the existing institutions of American democracy will mostly thwart your biggest campaign promises. There will not be a wall. You will not prosecute Hillary Clinton. If you start registering Muslims, you'll have civil unrest, unlike anything you saw during the Occupy Movement. The cave in on Obamacare has already begun. The people are going to fight you tooth and nail on every single one of your promises. While you'll enjoy wide executive power to undo anything Obama instituted with a stroke of a pen, whatever fallout comes from that (like, canceling the popular Dream Act, for example) will create an uphill battle for Republicans to maintain control of the House and Senate in 2018. You stand to get deadlocked half way through your term when the Dems take over, utterly squandering your political capital. I think you knew your campaign promises were untenable as you said them and serving as president will confirm that, unless you don't get the chance.
7. You'll avoid impeachment
Your foreign business holdings present a violation of Article 1, Section 9 of the Constitution. Accepting payments from foreign governments is how the international property development business works, but, also, its an impeachable offense the moment you are sworn in office. (Not to mention the same clause says we don't grant titles of nobility in this country and you've got a son named Baron) An immense appetite exists in Congress to muck up your administration, and it will only deepen as more of your foreign entanglements come to light. We both know serious conflicts of interest exist, but only you are aware to what extent they exist, and how embarrassing they might be when everyone inevitably finds out about them. Not being president will render this concern moot and you'll be free to accept as much money as you'd like from any government, junta, dictator, or PTA.
mike pence for president usa yard sign8. Lots of Republicans are hoping you fail
There are members of your own party who hold no particular allegiance to you and who will take principled stands against your policies. These are the exact sort of ideologues who will join Democrat-lead impeachment proceedings because they are repulsed by your character, knowing that after your unseating, they will gain a very strong Pro-Life ally in Mike Pence as the 46th President. These Republicans might be concerned because you don't have a strict anti-abortion pedigree; you may use the issue as a bargaining chip to entice Dems to vote for your policies on other issues you care about, like infrastructure. They will consider this a threat until you are out of office.
9. As president, your taxes are going to come out
Consider how many IRS agents, lawyers, accountants, office assistants, computer hackers, underlings, henchmen, lackeys, goons, and bicycle couriers have or could easily gain access to your taxes and anonymously release them. The incentives to be that person are overwhelming. No media organization or adversary of yours is going the hesitate to expose your taxes for everything they are worth. If you aren't as rich as you claim to be, if you are in debt, if you are in business with a foreign leader, if they contain the traces of misdeeds discernable to independent scrutiny, if you raided your charity like a mini-bar, whatever it is, the clock starts January 20, 2017, and will run out before the election in 2020. The American people will gaze upon your taxes before then; there is no doubt. I'm sure someone already has them and is waiting for the right moment. You've already calculated that you couldn't win in 2016 with them public, and whatever you decided the public couldn't stomach will still be there plus however you've enriched yourself as a sitting president. Are you ready for that? It doesn't have to happen.
Dec7 pigs10. You can save your most valuable asset
Your branding clients are removing your name from their buildings. Your tenants are canceling their leases. People are devising ways to block your name from public view, like giant golden pig balloons in Chicago. There are apps to scrub news about you and your picture from people's internet browsers and media feeds. Your primary business is maintaining the Trump brand, and you need to consider whether serving as president is worth sacrificing that brand.
11. You can divest yourself of Deplorables
I do not think you are a racist or a White Supremacist at heart, but let's admit you are a very calculating opportunist who understood that courting the Alt-Right created a core of unshakable supporters who were able to goad your liberal opponents into an incomprehensible frenzy. Because you have done little to dissuade this informal coalition of neo-Nazis, KKK, and White Nationalists masquerading as tech-savvy young Republicans from speaking in your name, shortly your brand may become synonymous with the reemergence of white supremacism and neo-fascism in the mid-21st century. Because you felt you needed to tolerate it for the rabid enthusiasm it brought your campaign, your name is said in the same breath as some of the most evil men in history. It's no mistake that your Time "Person of the Year" cover looks like Hiter in a funhouse mirror. Outside the presidency, with no more political gain to be had, you will be free to repudiate this sort of behavior. As long as these people are a critical part of your winning coalition, you will wear their support around your neck like an albatross. No one will forget that.
donald-trump-person-of-the-year-time-reactions-1512. You won't be a loser
I was a big fan of Celebrity Apprentice, and I know how poorly you think of losing. If the Electoral College denies you the presidency, by rights you can still claim you won the election. This won't be a "loss" but a "steal," and I hardly need to tell you the advantage of being able to craft a hero's narrative on your victory being stolen. You don't even need to encourage or collude with the faithless electors, just let things take their course. (Of course, if you wanted to bribe a few to write down Romney's name, I'm sure no one would know...the right number to bribe is 38) If it comes to pass that you are denied the presidency, it will be a stunningly historic upset, but just remember, it might not be so bad for you.