So common is this faux pas that it deserves to be addressed directly; slouchy or too long pants gathering at the ankles create a terrible look that adds volume to your silhouette and looks slovenly. If you've bought slacks or jeans that are too long for you, do the dignified thing and take them to any strip mall dry cleaner and pay the $8 or thereabouts to have them properly hemmed. If they are dress slacks, verify they will use a blind hem so the thread isn't visible from the outside. The blind hem stitch requires a special sewing machine attachment and is a tad beyond what the average person familiar with a sewing machine is capable of. (Not impossible
, DIYers, get a blind hem presser foot, the right thread, and practice it a few times before you tear into those $80 slacks.) If the person helping you with your alterations looks like they don't know what you're talking about when you ask about a blind hem, sometimes called an invisible hem, you're standing in a front for human trafficking
and not a dry cleaner; gather up your garments, back out slowly and find another dry cleaner or a proper tailor. When you stand upright and have pulled up your waistband to your proper waist, the back of the pant legs should hang straight down to the back of your shoes, right above the heels, and the fronts should break slightly over the tops of your shoes. Your pant legs hanging straight down, without gathering or bagginess is the best look for you, granted some slight gathering at the bottom is acceptable for jeans. The ultimate length of a pant leg may differ depending on the cut and style of pants, say dress slacks or jeans, so you need to try on, measure, and alter each garment separately; don't allow a rushed attendant to measure one garment and then say they'll use the same measurement for the rest. A proper tailor will ask you how much you'd like your pants to "break," which references how much the pressed crease that runs down the front of your slacks will fold over the tops of your shoes. Full breaks look best on tall guys with skinny legs and for anyone still having their Zoot Suit tailored seventy or twenty years too late. Bigger guys should avoid full breaks and choose half or quarter breaks, which are appropriate for business and casual looks. Guys with short legs (sub 28" inseam) should always choose quarter breaks, sometimes called slight breaks, or no break, which is a look common for military and work uniforms and formal tuxedos. A break is not the same as slouchy pants gathering around your ankles, so be sure to pull your pants up to your navel when they are being measured for hemming and wear them the same way afterwards. If you are having jeans hemmed, where the hem stitch is visible on the outside, it is worth asking about matching the golden denim thread on most jeans, so they look like you bought them like this. If they don't have golden denim thread, again, back out slowly
Illustrations by Brian Parra
This is the fifth of a six part article about factual fashion advice for fat guys. Read Part 1, 2, 3, 4, and 6.
Bad looks look twice as bad on you.
There is a full canon of standard fashion advice that isn't directly related to fat men; however, you should be doubly aware of these rules because when a bad look is on you, it not only plays into the well-accepted narrative that fat guys are slovenly, lazy and unkempt, but it is literally larger and more noticeable on you than it is the next guy. This list can be long, but if you are going to start dressing well, you gotta know them. The basics are thus: brown or blacks dress shoes should be matched to a brown or black belt. Clashing colors, like reds that aren't quite exact, should be avoided in the same outfit. Don't wear novelty ties or any childish or funny clothing; those items are strictly causal and shouldn't be worn to work or any place where you need to impress. You should avoid mixing patterns like various plaids, stripes, polka dots, and if you do, hipster, make sure one of those patterns is very small almost to the point of being a solid color, like a tight houndstooth, subtle pin stripe or Gingham check. Any metal on shoes, buckles, buttons, cuff links should match, like all chrome or all gold. An exception to all this matching is your watch, the band doesn't have to match your belt or shoes and the metal doesn't have to match your belt buckle or buttons, but extra credit if it does. Also, if you are wearing a suit or coat and tie, it should be a proper watch, no clunky sports watches or Casio calculator nerd watches. If your pants have belt loops, there had better be a goddam belt in them. Speaking of belts, holding up your pants is its only job; unless you're a janitor, put your phone and keys in your pocket. Avoid patterned pocket squares that match exactly your patterned tie. Any shirts with logos or embroidered emblems can't be worn with a suit. Before you sit, unbutton your coat so it doesn't pull across your torso and stress your buttons and also hike up your pants legs so the material doesn't stretch out over your bent knees. This list can seem endless, but you get the point.
Illustrations by Brian Parra
This is the sixth of a six part article about factual fashion advice for fat guys. Read Part 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.
Know what you are talking about the next time you head to the store!
Big-Generally refers to large-sized clothes, sizes XL-6XL+, but is also used to specifically indicate clothes like shirts cut with extra room or girth around the torso. "B" is commonly used in the size designation to denote a big cut, thus a 2XB is a 2XL shirt cut with extra girth around the torso.
Big & Tall-A category of clothing, usually used to reference men's clothing (the women's equivalent is often called, "Plus Size") that generally spans regular sizes XL-6XL+, big sizes XLB-6XB+, and tall sizes MT-6XT+. Big & Tall retail locations usually also carry portly, short and extra-long suits, extra-long ties, large shoes, extra long belts, undergarments, lifestyle accessories and orthopedic items for large and tall men.
Tall-Clothing cut for tall men, 6'+, sizes MT to 6XT+,- typically with longer sleeves, torso and tails, lower pocket placement and slimmer cuts for a more proportional look. Tall pants generally have high rises and longer inseams. "T" is commonly used in the size designation to denote a tall cut, thus a MT is a medium shirt with taller proportions. There are some Tall clothes that are also designated as Big, to indicate that they also have extra girth around the middle, in addition to being proportioned for a taller guy.
On May 9, 2015, I performed this ceremony to wed Gary Zapparelli and Danielle Martinez at Camp Bartlett in Santa Paula, CA. I am a Humanist Officiant who is ordained to perform wedding ceremonies by the Universal Life Church. I am generally not for hire and only perform ceremonies for friends. I have performed four weddings and always write and assemble the ceremonies myself.
I'd like to welcome you all here today to celebrate the marriage of these two beautiful people Gary Zapparelli and Danielle Martinez.
It's my honor and privilege to marry these two today, in this beautiful place, Camp Bartlett. Thank you to the Zapparellis for hosting us here. Danielle is stunning in her beautiful dress and Gary even shaved his neck beard for this. You know it is an important day.
I met Gary right before he turned 21, at a place, I'll be honest, he probably shouldn't have been when he was not yet 21, but he's always seemed a little older than his age. What I mean by that is he's always known who he is, what he likes, what he's into. He likes those things without apology or remark. Most guy in their 20s usually take a few years to figure that stuff out and their motivation usually influenced by who they are trying to emulate or impress.Gary has always been self-possessed. It's a good quality for a guy, particular a young guy in this day and age. He's always knew when girls weren't right for him, always focused on his work. Didn't need to party to prove anything. He's already got the word "Senior" right in his job title and has his priorities straight. I gotta admit sometimes I don't get to see Gary as much as I like but I realize that's because he's got important stuff going on, or he's watching Adventure Time, either way, he's doing what he wants to be doing and I respect that.
As riots took hold of Baltimore on last week, my initial reaction, I assume like most people, was to first be shocked by the apparent senselessness of violence, to be appalled by images of students throwing rocks, police car windows being smashed, of burning buildings, and of riotous crowds with black faces walled off by police in riot gear. It is sad that this has become a common response to a tragically predictable cause, however it is no less upsetting to see. My knee-jerk reaction is to question the motives of such violence and to wish, as one does, for peaceful demonstrations. I think most people come to this conclusion: violence is not the solution, it solves nothing and destroys the rioters own community, hurts people and businesses who have nothing to do with the problem at hand and is perpetrated by opportunistic people who have no stake in the greater issue at hand. I certainly appreciate that perspective but I think it is what I called it: knee-jerk. It lacks critical understanding about the issues at play and ignores a bigger problem created by just calling for peace: peace serves the side of the issue most vested in the status quo.
Being a Jack-of-All-Trades can be tough when most jobs have very narrowly defined descriptions. Here's a list of things to consider when considering a versatile employee.
Last night, I watched the young adult sci-fi flick Divergent, set in a future where citizens in a post-apocalyptic society are separated into five factions depending on their nature and talents. These factions are charged with fulfilling a specific need of that society, such as food production, public service, defense, or science, etc. Divergents were those who don't fit neatly into these factions because they display the talents and abilities of several factions and are thus hunted because they mess with the program. Like much young adult post-apocalyptic fare, it's a grossly oversimplified allegory for growing up and finding a calling while preserving some amount of one's youthful spirit in the process. I watched this at 1 a.m. on a Monday morning because I am unemployed and have nothing to do on Monday proper except laundry and mining LinkedIn for job postings. I have been job hunting in earnest for six months and yet nothing with any sort of potential has panned out. To be fair, there are lots of factors at play: it's a tough economy, granted; and year-end is hardly the best time to ask someone to take me on, surely; and, familial obligations require I find a job with a certain level of compensation or else I am worth more to my family uncommitted, and yet there is one more thing complicating this already difficult situation.
On Sunday, December 14, I will be performing as the narrator of the Holiday Sing-A-Long at the Ventura Theater. This show will feature performances of holiday classics and Disney favorites featuring familiar faces from Ventura's local music scene including Aaron Orbit, Robin Ryder, Shane Mack, Marcella Tambouris, Shane Nautu, Nicole Jackson, and many others, all curated and produced by Loanne Wullaert, who owns the Ventura Theater. Loanne, a classically trained opera singer, who will also be performing, has been producing these events the last two years as a way to feature local talent and to support local charities. This event will support Toys-4-Tots and admission is free with the donation of an unwrapped toy. It's a matinee show that starts at 3pm. For the record, I'm singing a New Orleans Jazz version of Frosty the Snowman. AND its my birthday, so be there!
I sit in on the Halloween edition of Freshtalk with the Army of Freshmen Podcast and recount all my winningest Halloween costumes of my mid-20s. I've been buds with the AOF guy for years and it was nice to shoot the poop with Kai, Dan, and John. You can listen at http://shoutengine.com/FreshTalk/
or download or subscribe on iTunes
Brian lines up all the technical feats he might encounter to make sure he can record his podcast. He calls Ross Blocher of the Oh No Ross and Carrie
podcast to make sure he can take calls. Ross talks about his podcast and working for Disney Animation and gives a sneak peak of Moana, due out in 2016. Then Brian utterly fails to connect Debee Bracho to Ross over Skype, but gets the lowdown on living in the San Gabriel Mountian and seeing mountian lions. Then as Monica Ocheltree sits down in the Parra Events Studio (aka: his garage) Brian outs Debee about dancing in Grease and then chats with Monica about being a mom on Halloween. The kids jam on drums.
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